May happens to be #MasturbationMonth, and this one if for the ladies.
I have a lot of conversations with my girlfriends, and different women in my practice, about their sexual well being and I know a lot of you can relate to this as well; Achieving orgasm seems to be an elusive thing for women. We are ecstatic when it does happen but it’s not usually a goal, a common occurrence or why we engage in sex in the first place.
Typically, women have a harder time reaching climax than men. Which, from a physiological stand point, doesn’t seem like it should be the case at all. Two of the main reasons why this should not be so difficult for women is:
1) Women have little, to no, refractory period after orgasm. What this means is that a females body doesn’t need time to regulate, before she can be stimulated again, after she reaches orgasm. She can essentially reach peak stimulation and achieve orgasm then, with proper stimulation, reach peak stimulation again and achieve orgasm again and so on and so on. This is why women are capable of multiple orgasms and most men are not.
2) Women have more nerve endings in their clitoris than a man has in his entire penis. (~8000 in the clitoris and, on average, ~4000 in the penis). So we have a highly condensed pleasure centre in a piece of anatomy that is there purely for pleasure and nothing else.
So, if we have our physiology working for us, I began to wonder what could be the reason that so many women have a disconnected relationship with Orgasms. I began to do some research and I started where I usually do; with my girlfriends. I asked them about their experiences, got their input and I thought about my own experiences. Maybe it was technique, maybe it was because we are emotional beings and a lot of us require more than just physicality in order to reach our peak, maybe we are being punished for eating the apple from the garden of Eden?! Who knows. All I knew was that it didn’t make any sense. Until, I started to notice a common denominator. Sorry to hang you out to dry ladies but, the thing that kept coming up amongst a lot of women that I spoke to was; Lack of Masturbation.
Most of the women I was speaking to either didn’t masturbate at all, they rarely did, or they began masturbating later on in their lives.
I often heard; “I just don’t do that….that often”,
“I have a boyfriend, I don’t need to”,
“It’s just not something I ever really got into”.
Then, I started talking with guys and thinking back on the times I heard people speak about teenage boys when they hit puberty. Young boys masturbating was always spoken about very candidly and as if it was just another normal part of growing up for them. A lot of the men I spoke with could tell you very direct details when it came to their exploration with masturbating. What techniques and methods work for them, how often they do it, when they feel like they need to or want to, at what age they started doing it, different reasons why they do it, everything. They were well versed and it was like second nature for a lot of them.
A HuffPost article posted a study done on the frequency of masturbation between Men and Women and here’s what they found;
“By age 15, almost 100% of boys and 25% of girls have masturbated to the point of orgasm.”
“22.1% of Men between the ages of 18-29 said they masturbate 3-4 x / week and only 7.6% of Women between the ages of 18-29 said they masturbate 3-4x/ week. Statistically, most women (32.9%) say they masturbate a few times per year.”
Those numbers got my attention. That is a staggering difference and I knew this had to be a huge contributing factor. If you ask a Man how he achieves an orgasm, he would be able to tell you the exact technique that will work for him. If you ask a woman, the answer is usually very different.
As women, we rely a lot on our partner, or a sexual encounter, to help us achieve orgasm. And if you don’t know what feels good for you then most of the time you’re just waiting for a move or technique to blow you away. It’s like asking your partner to go into a frozen yogurt shop and get you the exact combination that you love but you’ve never sampled any combinations yourself. It’s a shot in the dark. Where as, if you have done the exploration yourself you will have a much clearer idea of what works and what combination will send your head spinning.
I truly believe that we are at a point in time where women are beginning to claim back their bodies and their sexuality. We are built for pleasure and, when accessed, it can be incredibly empowering for us. So women, I encourage you to honeymoon yourself. This exploration is solely for you and about you. Just like building a mindfulness practice to tend to your mental health, I encourage you to explore your personal pleasure to tend to your sexual health. The phrase; “practice makes perfect” really can apply when accessing orgasms more frequently and more intensely for women. Become a contributing member of your own pleasure.